What is Saudade?

The title is a question that I remember asking myself after seeing that this word was used for a very distinct Portuguese experience. While I am not from Portugal, I can trace a good number of my ancestors to that land, among others as well. And I have found myself having a strange longing for something, an unknown place, an explanation, a reason, a person, many things.

I remember growing up and being curious as to why my first name and last name were pronounced one way, while those of others used different phonetic rules. It was this curiosity that led me to discover that they were very distinctively Portuguese, and it felt like a relief, like I had discovered something I was meant to know. But this was not the end, I craved more and more, I longed for something constantly. Then I traveled to Portugal as part of a Eurotrip and it felt like a place that had been waiting for me. The language different yet familiar and warm to my ears and even when I tried to say words, they felt natural when said. Then, when I was able to experience the food, it landed comfortably in my stomach, feeling homely, as if I was visiting a long lost relative. But this feeling has not only been present when things were about Portugal, it's still there, present in the way I see the world, the way my heart feels while still pushing me to learn more about that land that was home to many of my ancestors.

It also happened the first time I saw my wife, this longing was there as if I had met a person I didn't know I was missing, someone who felt both close and impossibly far. It felt strange, as if we were connected but not at all, and I remember seeing her with other people and wondering what to do to just say hello. I remember being sad that she was with someone, then later I discovered this person was not romantically connected to her, just friends.

Then it was like a magnet, our first real interaction was not the best, my pride on my name took a hold of me and I corrected her (yes, worst thing to do). But then we went out with a group of mutual friends to celebrate a great friend, and then the pull started. I couldn't help but worry about her wellbeing, bringing her water and checking on her at the night club and then helping her clean up after the party in her apartment.

It felt as if we had been doing this forever, smiling, joking around, helping each other. And then a few weeks later, we started properly dating and the story is still being written, now as a married couple.

One would think though, that this longing for the unknown would have disappeared, but it's still ever present. I long for unknown people, unknown places, and experiences that are out there waiting for me. Some feel as I was connecting with the past, some with the future, and some simply with destiny. I know it sounds pretentious, as if I think myself special — and I do, but I think everyone is. I love that my heritage has this word for this unknown melancholic longing that does not break you, but makes you whole.